Lately, it's been feeling like I've been surrounded by pure negativity. No, it's not people bringing the negativity, but my own thoughts. It seems as if in everything, something doesn't go right. Something screws up. Something doesn't work out. Sometimes I'll lay in bed at night, unable to fall asleep for hours, because of my own anxiety and negative thoughts...
I've applied to almost every single place in Thomasville that would hire my age. I've been turned down time after time, staying jobless...yet I keep my phone with me, waiting for a call that will never come.
No matter how many times I try, I know I will remain flustered with Latin, feeling like the most clueless girl in class because I can't immediately spit out the answers or get the charts mastered.
Will I really live in California? Surely I will never have the money to go out there. Surely I will never be able to go out there. I will always live in North Carolina, living an average life, just like everybody else.
I've sent in application after application for film work...just to be a mere extra, yet I never get a reply. Becoming a successful actress is my aspiration, but I know it probably won't work out. I'll always be a dreamer, just like the millions others with the same aspiration. I'll just continue to live that fantasy life...inside of my head.
I should give up all hope of buying my new camera this year. $3000 in a year? No way. Not enough income & no job.
Will I ever have a steady job? Do I have a completely pathetic future in front of me?
As I try to persuade myself with the negativity and bitterness in my mind, I realize...
My heart is deceitful. "The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?" Jeremiah 17:9
It is so easy to listen to myself, decide on my own, and develop all kinds of insane scenarios, when in reality....
He is in control of my entire life, He has a plan for me, and He wants me to listen to Him, not my deceitful heart.
Trust me when I say turn away from your heart, and turn to Him; not just a little bit, but completely.