Just Breathe.

Lately, it's been feeling like I've been surrounded by pure negativity. No, it's not people bringing the negativity, but my own thoughts. It seems as if in everything, something doesn't go right. Something screws up. Something doesn't work out. Sometimes I'll lay in bed at night, unable to fall asleep for hours, because of my own anxiety and negative thoughts...

I've applied to almost every single place in Thomasville that would hire my age. I've been turned down time after time, staying jobless...yet I keep my phone with me, waiting for a call that will never come.

No matter how many times I try, I know I will remain flustered with Latin, feeling like the most clueless girl in class because I can't immediately spit out the answers or get the charts mastered.

Will I really live in California? Surely I will never have the money to go out there. Surely I will never be able to go out there. I will always live in North Carolina, living an average life, just like everybody else.

I've sent in application after application for film work...just to be a mere extra, yet I never get a reply. Becoming a successful actress is my aspiration, but I know it probably won't work out. I'll always be a dreamer, just like the millions others with the same aspiration. I'll just continue to live that fantasy life...inside of my head.

I should give up all hope of buying my new camera this year. $3000 in a year? No way. Not enough income & no job.

Will I ever have a steady job? Do I have a completely pathetic future in front of me?

As I try to persuade myself with the negativity and bitterness in my mind, I realize...

My heart is deceitful. "The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?" Jeremiah 17:9

It is so easy to listen to myself, decide on my own, and develop all kinds of insane scenarios, when in reality....

  He is in control of my entire life, He has a plan for me, and He wants me to listen to Him, not my deceitful heart.

Trust me when I say turn away from your heart, and turn to Him; not just a little bit, but completely.


  1. I love this!! I feel the exact same way!! I love you girl and no matter how worthless you feel you are priceless to me and your other friends and most of all God!! <3

  2. This is so true, Anna. SO TRUE. Thank you for sharing your feelings to openly. I'm sure many people feel this way, but hide it. I know I do, sometimes. But God is always there, if we will just turn to Him. :)

    Praying for ya, girl!!


  3. "Trust in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart." because when you trust Him, your desire will be for Him, and *He* will fulfill them. It's a beautiful circle. Also, "He calls your friend". Well, if that isn't comforting I don't know what is :). Also: "Casting all your anxieties upon him, for he cares for you." (1 Peter 5:7) I don't mean to sound preachy, but to encourage. Because honestly, I struggle with this too. Life is sweeter without the worry :).

    P.s. You are fearfully and wonderfully made. Don't forget that.

  4. Amen! Love this, Anna. :)

    "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not to your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall make your paths straight."~ Proverbs 3:5-6

  5. Some food for thought...I had dreams once of making it big as an actress. I felt like if I stayed in NC, my dreams would die, and I would end up sad, pathetic, and unfulfilled. GOD knew where my TRUE calling was...in homeschooling my kids, being surrounded by family and friends who mean the world to me, in having the privilege of speaking into the lives of students like yourself! Surrender your dreams to Him. They may stay the same, they may change. But God knows the very thing that will make your heart feel ALIVE, and He will lead you right to it in HIS time!

    In the mean time, I will be praying for you to find a job, but most especially for the Lord's will to be done in your life, my sweet Anna Gray! <3

  6. I'm sorry that you've been feeling a little hopeless lately, but things will get better! Yes, you haven't gotten accepted to any of the jobs that you applied for so far, but maybe those jobs weren't right for you. I'm sure that the perfect job is only one more application away! :)

  7. Girl...you're wise beyond your years. The Lord will grant you the desires of your heart....IN HIS TIME. Patience is hard, very hard but you're absolutely right. Giving yourself AND your will over to Him is what He wants you to do. Going through times like these only draw us closer to Him and teach us to depend on Him more and less on ourselves.

    You'll get that camera, if not this year, next. You'll get there, you've done it before.

    I'd love for you to come out to CA! Even if you don't live here, maybe just for a visit! I'm here and while it's the only thing I've known for the past 35 years, I'm sure it's not much different than where you are. The grass isn't always greener on the other side! ha!

  8. I'm at a loss for words.


    ps you're in my prayers!

  9. I know how this feels. I sometimes feel the same way - like everything I want is just out of my grasp. Hang in there, sweet girl. I'll be praying for you. :) *hugs*


  10. I understand, but don't give up your hopes and dreams that you have. If you give up now you will end up giving up on other things too without noticing. Hang on, all storms come to an end, wait it out. As much as it looks like your boat is sinking, it's not because God is there to catch you and end the storm. Think about ways to help yourself hold on until then, do you like little kids, try to get a job as a baby sitter. If you like gardening, try to find someone who can't take care of their yard. You'll think of something, just get yourself a cool drink, sit somewhere comfortable, and plan it out. Then go do something fun that you know you can do.

    I'll keep you in my prayers,

  11. Anna Gray, love, don't ever give up on your dreams. When the Lord shuts a door, somewhere he opens a window. ♥ Much love, darling.


    ps. we still need to meet ;)

  12. Think positively, everything will turn out fine as long you put in enough effort! :D

    Please check out:

    Website: backtofive.blogspot.com
    Twitter: backtofive's twitter
    You have to visit: Bloggers Against Social Injustice too!

    See you there! :D

    backtofive's twitter

    xoxo backtofive

  13. Annnnnaa. Apparently I wasn't following you before?! How is this?!
    I love your blog.. So much. :)
    We should meet up. Yes? I'm a NC liver too! (:

    1. YES! Definitely! There are some other NC ladies who have wanted to meet up too, so maybe a group meetup? :-D

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  15. Definitely can relate. It's so hard to trust sometimes that God has the perfect plan for our lives and He will help us through it. :)

  16. THANK you for this encouragement, Anna! Thankful for Jesus. He guides our lives.

    That verse just really spoke to me...I'm gonna write it down and put it in my room.




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