(...You killed my father. Prepare to die. I know; I'm hilarious.)
Photos are nice, but they don't always tell the nitty-gritty, ugly side of things.
And this is my nitty-gritty, ugly side.
I look like a mess almost all the time. I wear yoga pants and old T-shirts or torn up dresses or a dingy romper around the house. I only put on makeup and spruce myself up if I am going somewhere, which is not 24/7. At age (almost) 18, I still have acne that flares up. I have dark lines under my eyes and my eyebrows are almost ghostly, they're so sparse. I screw up this "Totes perf" winged eyeliner 99% of the time (and may or may not shout profanities in my head when I do) and sometimes, end up erasing it altogether. It takes me over an hour to put on makeup - even if it is just to go run a quick errand. I check and recheck to make sure everything looks okay. I'm short and have a somewhat crooked smile and often get annoyed with my body. I have clothes from 7th grade. I'm a terrible student. As much as I hate to say it, I'm apathetic about so many subjects. During math, I'll doodle in the margins of my notebook and spend half an hour in pure distraction - filing my nails, thinking of the future, a photo idea, aspirations, sitting and just staring into space. I almost never get "As" - I get Bs and Cs and totally suck at Chemistry and Math. I will read pages of a book, only to read it 2 and 3 times again because I tend to get creative sparks when I'm supposed to be educating myself. Though I appear as confident to many, I have insecurities. My feelings get hurt over stupid things, I cry at nonsense, I rage over things that 10 minutes later, I don't even think about. I get caught in the trap of always thinking I could look better. No matter how lovely I think a photo of me is at first, I slowly see it as "Just another picture" and feel that twinge of dissatisfaction once again. Nostalgia tears at me. One minute my room is spotless, the next it is an utter disaster (complete with month old banana peel in the trash can that I forgot to put a bag in). I can't stick to a diet to save my life. Oatmeal for breakfast, salad for lunch, and suddenly crap food makes its way back into my life. I get mad at people. One remark, and I let it irritate me the rest of the day. I have gone weeks without even picking up my Bible or having a good, in depth quiet time. I'm scatterbrained and wishy washy. I let precious time slip by because I'm wasting my energy on social media. I have fallen into the trap of comparing myself to others. I can be a total jerk. I can be a pain in the butt. I talk during movies. I'm antsy and restless and am sometimes a little too determined. I spend my money on stupid things. Being submerged in crowds of people makes me self conscious and uncomfortable - sometimes I have to mentally prep myself just to walk into a store. I'm terrible with small talk and I blush really, really easily. I hot glue ripped shorts back together and wear thinned down shirts with holes in them. I replay things that just happened over and over in my head and end up convincing myself that people dislike me or that something is wrong with me. Secular music gives me more hope than most Christian music. Sometimes I should be productive, but instead, sprawl out on my bed and drift off for hours...or, like school, stare into space. My handwriting is horrendous. I'm not as bold and as poised as social media may portray me. Sometimes I'm obnoxious and sometimes you would never guess that I'm even there. Sometimes I wonder, "Is God even real?" Sometimes I feel like a failure. Sometimes I don't understand my purpose. Sometimes I say things I shouldn't say. Sometimes I just feel confused. Sometimes I hate my smile. Sometimes I wish I could be taller and slimmer and have a longer bridged nose. Sometimes I remind myself of Laura Wingfield from The Glass Menagerie. Sometimes I love myself, and sometimes I don't. Sometimes I lay wide awake, in the dead of night, because I feel so uneasy. Sometimes I take sarcastic, silly comments to heart. Sometimes I don't feel real. Sometimes I talk too fast and sometimes I have to repeat myself 3 times. Sometimes I go the extra mile to take the long way home, just so I can think for a little bit longer. Sometimes I take a deep breath and find myself exceedingly frustrated at life in general.
Hello, my name is Anna Gray. I don't have everything together. I am not perfect. I have a nitty-gritty, ugly side. I am human.