"I'm Not In Love With You Anymore": To the Girl Who Feels Unlovable

Let's get straight to the grit here: Breakups absolutely suck.

There's no way around it. Even if it was all the telltale, slap in the face, red flags that basically SCREAM, "GET OUT!!!!" it does not make the process any less painful. It hurts. It stings. It feels like a punch in the gut, and a blow to your self worth. I've been there. Oh boy, have I been there. I'm sure you're sitting on the other side of your laptop screen, itching to hear some juicy details and the rated R version of this. You're in the wrong spot, if that is what you're anticipating. This isn't about who did what and when and a literary T-Swift collab (that's what my journal is for;)).  Everyone deserves grace and forgiveness...something I am learning - slowly but surely - and striving for. Don't be mistaken. This isn't about my breakup. This is about what I learned and how I was met through my breakup. And from the depths of my heart and soul - I hope and pray that this meets you, girl who feels unlovable, in a time you need it.

As I sat at the bar in my favorite LA coffee shop, a Facetime call popped up on my laptop screen. I smiled, picked up, and giggled at his shower hair and made a dumb comment about the fact that he wasn't wearing a shirt yet. There was a pause. There was no smile in return. The brown eyes I always gushed as "compassionate" were stone cold, and would not look into mine. I do not remember the prelude, but what I heard were these stinging, painful, throbbing, brutally honest words:

"I think we need to stop seeing each other. I'm not in love with you anymore." 

It was as if the clamor and bustle of the coffee shop came to a standstill, and all of time just froze. I didn't know if I wanted to throw up, cry, or just get the hell out of there. Sure, this was a conversation that had been coming up in the blood, guts, and gore a couple weeks prior. In fact, I even muttered that first sentence myself - unable to fulfill it by way of my own insecurity and weakness -just a week prior. The truth is that I was prepared for a relationship, even after 2 years in the making, to end. But I was not prepared for those words. I was not prepared or ready to receive, perhaps, the coldest, most brutal mouth full of words I'd ever absorbed in my life. To go from giving all of yourself physically and emotionally to someone - sharing laughter, tears, stories, bodies, affection, life plans, allll the ridiculous portions of Dopamine - and being told over and over just how much you are loved...to 3 days later, suddenly not being loved at all...is a really hard pill to swallow. Oh yeah, and I also was all alone in Los Angeles. I had no community to uphold me. No person's house to run to and cry. No arms to run into. I had phone conversations, but at the end of the day, I just had myself and my thoughts. And it was painful. Oh my gosh...it was so painful. To be isolated with one's own thoughts for too long, we know, is dangerous. 

During many hour long, grief induced phone calls that week, I learned that some of my closest gals had experienced the same, brutal words. I was already working through the utter failure of a marathon I DNFd 3 days prior, then burying a relationship that we both assumed would be a forever kinda deal, then agonizing over 7 heartless words on top. To the girl who feels unlovable, or was told, "I don't love you anymore," or "I'm not in love with you anymore," I want you to sit your tushie down, grab a glass of your fave wine (I happen to be xtra frugal and like Trader Joe's $2.99 merlot), coffee, whatever suits your fancy, and listen to me for a second:

I too have heard those words, and I know how badly it hurts. It doesn't make sense. It hurts. It is heartless. And if you're anything like me, perhaps you found yourself in a pathetic haze for 3 weeks, barely ate, drank, slept, functioned, and could have driven into a telephone pole and honestly not cared. When you heard those words, I can imagine it shook your world a little. It made you question your worth. It made you, who thought your heart was protected and enfolded and in a safe place, feel like it was frozen, blended up, hammered to pieces, and blended all over again. It made you, the girl who was once in love, feel unlovable. I know I did. In fact, my heart was so broken, that it was as if I was starting my life from scratch, re-finding myself, and rebuilding my very essence and the pieces of me I had lost. That's the thing. I became so reliant (or, let's be honest, codependent) on my significant, that I lost every ounce of independence and self-esteem that I once had. I quite literally did not know what to do with myself. I fueled my malnourished body with more caffeine and alcohol than I ever have in my life. I felt like a dead girl walking (cue Heathers) (no; please don't). Those 7 words seemed to strip any and every word or action of kindness demonstrated towards me, and all I could feel was the weight of my imperfections. It was this metaphorical, Garden of Eden moment of "perceiving my nakedness". Instead of seeing who I had become, I only saw the version of myself that wasn't enough. My eyes were opened to what I could do more of, be more of, and fighting the harsh reality that I was not longer lovable enough for someone. 

 To the girl who feels unlovable:

First of all, I want you to know that from the depths of my soul...that is a lie.

From the pits of Hell.

Plain and simple.

You are not his words over you. 

You are not the catastrophe of your breakup or lost love.

Your are not a strand of words that were involuntarily projected onto you.

You are not what someone else thinks you are. 

And if you have been told...

I'm not in love with you anymore

...Know that it has nothing to do with your worth, value, or capability of being loved. You do not need to earn love. You do not need to perform and do more and be more to be loved. And the truth is, if this was said to you, he either never truly loved you in the first place, or did not know how to love you well enough to keep you. Love is not half hearted. Love is a sacrifice and a choice. It is not "I love you" one day and "I'm not in love with you anymore" the next.  I know your heart feels like it's been ripped out of your chest. I know that your tendency is to wallow in the words you THINK you are, and mull over that daunting, underlying question, "What if it is actually true?" Listen to me.

You are lovable. 

Even when he couldn't love you.

Even when he told you that you were not.

Even when the emptiness inside of you makes it feel as though there is no heartbeat in your chest.

Even when it feels so cold, so dark, so lonely.

Even when you remind yourself over and over and over again: "He said it himself...he's not in love with me anymore. I am not loved. I am too much. I am unlovable. I did something that will prevent me from ever being loved again."

You see...

...What we feed our mind, we start to believe, and what we believe...we start to become.

But I want to tell you that the broken pieces of your heart that were once scattered, can indeed become whole again. Do you believe that? Do you really? Because I do. I believe it with all of my heart. Why? Because I realized that I was mistaking my brokenness for being unlovable, damaged goods; and refusing to believe that I could actually become a healthy, whole person again. I tied my identity to my relationship. For 2.5 years, I felt like nothing without it. I clung to it like a scared little girl hiding behind her parent. If I let go, that meant being alone, and the very idea of loneliness was petrifying. I purged ambitions and boundaries, and in trade, made myself believe that I needed my significant in order to feel happy and fulfilled and whole. My relationship became my everything. It consumed me. It filled every piece of my heart's void. And then it ended, and I lost the person who was my happiness, and I lost myself along with it. If you had asked me in October and November and December if I was capable of believing that I - the broken, lonely, Los Angeleno girl swallowed by the city - could feel whole and be whole again...I would not have believed it. Not even for a second. Reading my Bible felt as bland as a rice cake without peanut butter (ok; still mildly bland, but you get the point). Praying felt like talking to thin air. Or a telephone call where no one picks up. I reminded myself over and over and over again that I was unlovable, worthless, and broken. And for a solid 2 months, that is exactly what I became. I fed it to myself. In the morning's haze, as I stared blankly at a wall, cup of coffee in hand. As I navigated the relentless traffic of the freeway. When I went to bed. When I had 1,2,3,4 glasses of wine. Worthless. Unlovable. Broken. Incapable. I was empty, alone, fragile, every last ounce of self esteem drained.

Our culture presents us with such warm, fuzzy, false pieces of hope. "You are more than this!" "You are beautiful just as you are!" "You are worth loving!" We're expected, in our brokenness, to suddenly believe and mask our pain with such words. While affirmations and encouragement can be healing...the truth is this: There ARE parts of us that are broken and unlovable. We are human and we are flawed and things like a nice, raw breakup - I believe - expose our weaknesses and heart's longing for something more than the finite resources of this world. It exposes the broken or "unlovable" parts of us...but those parts can be made whole. I think that when we feel unlovable, what we're really feeling, is the weight of our human nature and imperfections. A breakup is like sprinkling salt to deeper wounds. We need not cling to someone else's words as though we are enslaved to them. However, we should, in these painful moments, pay close attention to our thoughts and who we are becoming, through someone else's words that we keep replaying. So I ask you again: Do you believe that you, shattered heart and all, can become whole again?

2 paragraphs later, and I still do. Even in my mess, even in my mania, even in my utter despair and frustration and apathy that jaded my outlook on reality - I was met right there; in my least attractive, most unsexy, most ugly moments. And so, I dared to allow my clenched hands to be pried open. I realized the girl I had become, and could finally admit that I didn't like it, and that I wanted to change. So I did. When I realized that, even despite the mess I had become, I actually could become whole again? My life began to, yes, radically change.

Because I believed I could become whole, I learned that I didn't have to fake it, pretend I was a badass living the cool life in LA, and mask the pain that pierced so deeply. I could be honest and admit that I was not okay, and I desperately needed my soul to be nurtured.

Because I believed I could become whole, I learned that I equally did not have to wallow in the gory details on repeat. I could choose to move forward.

Because I believed I could become whole, I learned that I didn't have to numb my emotions or run away from them or bathe in their sting. I could feel them, yes, but I could choose to fight them. I could pack my bags and take a 20 hour road trip and submerge myself in community and people who loved me.

Because I believed I could become whole, I learned that asking for help did not make me weak. I was, instead, choosing to rise up to my weakness.

Because God desires wholeness for me, I learned that He welcomes not just the prodigal sons, but also the prodigal daughters. And I could accept the invitation for Him to mend my cut skin and bleeding heart. Even if it hurt. Even if it meant a hit to my ego. Even if it meant giving up what numbed me. Even if it meant doing the things that I thought I didn't need...but my soul was starving for.

And He can take the messy, unlovable parts of you...and make them whole again. To the girl who feels unlovable: You are loved. You are loved and valued and enough so to be made whole again. This version of yourself that feels so cripplingly broken is not permanent. You are capable. You are worth more than the pain you feel. You are more lovable than the words said to you. Your crushed spirit can be healed. You can heal. I believe you can. I really do. If God could create you and breathe life into you...He can stitch together your tattered heart.

To the girl who feels unlovable: You are heard. You are seen. You are known. You are held. Your brokenness is temporary. And you can become whole again. 

Bless the Lord, O my soul,
and forget not all his benefits,
who forgives all of your iniquity
who heals all your diseases,
who redeems your life from the pit,
who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy,
who satisfies you with good
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's. 
Psalm 103:2-5

You're Allowed To Say "No"

Can I tell you something?

You are not a doormat, and you shouldn't passively oblige to letting others wipe the muck from their feet on you, either.

Don't worry, this isn't going to be a #SelfCare, only focus on yourself, never go out of your way for others kind of post. Peer pressure is typically associated with high school and drugs and alcohol and all the nitty gritties. Quite frankly though, I believe that peer pressure's shadow haunts us into adulthood. I am strong willed and feisty; but I am equally passive and withdraw easily when someone's dominance threatens my personal bubble. I am opinionated and hold many values, but for the longest time, would also fearfully oblige and submit to someone's passive aggression, or control freak nature. I will speak up strongly for myself and for others, but I also am like a sponge...I absorb others' words and gestures and social cues, and allow my heart to be consumed by them.

Truth be told: This is something I am still working on. But the day I said "No more" to toxic situations, and left the job, the small group, the relationship...was the day I could finally retire being a walking doormat. And you can too. 

I don't like letting people down, cringe inside when someone belittles or raises their voice at me (seriously, if you yell, I'm leaving #ByeFelicia), and avoid conflict, and I feel like I have utterly failed if I say "No" and someone takes it the wrong way.

BUT, truth be told: I have also begun realizing that my capacity can only do so much. I want to help people - and I love doing so - but there are those times when it's that battle of, "Am I being selfish? Or am I setting a personal boundary?" One of my favorite teachers from school, who I affectionately dubbed "Lovely Sue", once brought up some food for thought,

"Why is someone else's time suddenly more important than yours?"

Notice that she's not saying "As important".  I believe that everyone's time is important. But. People often, without necessarily even realizing it, subtly ask more and more of you. Why? Because they did it once, and it opened the door for them to keep doing so. Again. And again. And again. Hear me out: We SHOULD go above and beyond for others. We SHOULD be selfless. We SHOULD go out of our way. We SHOULD find it joy to bless others. And, we should do so often.

...But we also should not become a doormat; allowing others to manipulate or take advantage. There is much a difference between - out of love and kindness - serving somebody; versus enabling their sabotaging behavior. If we truly believe in freedom from slavery, then WHY do we continue to enslave our very selves?! And friends - often times in the work place, friendship circles, church, sports, family life, we are dealing with a kind of toxicity that is manipulative, controlling, and simply wants to use and abuse you. The abusive party will project their emotional baggage onto you; often times to the degree of twisting their words in such a way, that suddenly you are made to believe that their behavior is suddenly your fault. See the problem here? If you too are a walking doormat, listen up:

You need to start setting boundaries. And that starts with being able to say, in truth and in love, the 2 letter word: NO. Or, No more. Let me preface by saying that this should not be to fulfill your selfish desires, manipulate others' time, and get your way, by slapping on the label "Boundary". A TRUE boundary is a dividing line. It differentiates between what is Acceptable vs. Unacceptable - and as a recovering walking doormat myself - leads to freedom from emotional, people pleasing enslavement. Has anyone ever told you that you are ALLOWED to say "No"? If not, then I'm here to reinforce that permission.

You ARE allowed to say NO! It's not the literal, verbal action that is so daunting, but rather, bracing ourselves for the emotional outcome, and someone else's feelings that we believe can "get inside of us". The truth is that when you set a boundary, there will often times be anger. Gaslighting. Manipulation. Backlash. Retaliation. Does any of this sound familiar?

"You should have been happy to do _____!"

"You're just selfish."

"I know you're not comfortable meeting up 101, but I have some things you might not know."

"If you were a good son/daughter/wife/father, then you would do _____ for me."

"Fine; do as you please. I guess I just don't matter to you!"

"After all I've done for you..."

"If you want to be successful, then do _____ as I say."

In dating.

In sports (Mary Cain, anyone?). 

In church culture/small groups.

In relationships.

In family dynamics.

In the workforce.

In situations that will only but enable someone else's toxic, belittling, manipulative behavior.

There are all sorts of situations this could look like. But let me tell you: There is power in being able to draw that dividing line, and not shrink away to over explaining/apologizing for it. There is power in taking back and upholding your own values, and with that, comes so much freedom. It's not easy, but it keeps others' feet off of you as their walking, living, breathing doormat.

So, let's shake off the dust and say "No more."  

You are Not Someone Else's Emotional Punching Bag

Last week, I left my job. On the spot. No backup plan or notice. The first 2 sentences of this note were written over the course of 2 months - in some less than great situations - and the last 2 were written 10 minutes before I walked out the door…permanently. 

I want to remind you today - you, who feel enslaved to somebody else’s chronic manipulation, guilting, gas lighting, relentless extremity of mood swings and emotions projected onto YOU - that you have permission to walk away. Get out. LEAVE. You are not owned by your current circumstance, and someone else’s emotions CANNOT “get inside of you”. Did you know that? For 23 years of my life, I did not. I allowed (keyword: “allowed”) myself to be a doormat for emotional abuse to be wiped onto, and a sponge to absorb someone else’s feelings. I didn’t know that I had the authority to say, “If you are going to yell, then we need to revisit this conversation when things are calmer,” and walk OUT. I didn’t know that I could, without having to rationalize and feel guilty (which miiiight be an indicator that you’ve been guiltED), tell a male higher power differential that I prefer to: Have co-ed boundaries and wish to NOT meet 101. I didn’t know that I could, without having to overthink and over explain, say “No” and actually mean it. I allowed myself to just suck it up in certain situations, endure, and mentally brush it off. But the thing is - the more we ALLOW ourselves to ALLOW this behavior to project onto us without doing something about it….the more we will only allow it to CONTINUE to happen. It will not stop. It will not get better. Your voice will remain unheard and unattended to. And you will become enslaved to someone else’s unacceptable behavior, stuck in the same cycle of toxicity. Over and over and over again.

It took me over a year to break the cycle. It took being in one situation that led to another situation that led to…..being in completely inappropriate, exploiting situations with one higher up, and subject to verbal and emotional abuse by another. Lofty promises and compliments would be given to me one moment (“We’ve got some BIG plans for you!” was my favorite)….and degrading words, criticism, and COMPLETELY awkward and violating situations the next. My headspace went from, "This is within our scope of practice," to "Is this really ethical? Why am I always being the one chosen? Why am I constantly touched in this way? And why does it feel like my clothes are being ripped off from my body?" My “success”, client base, and security ALL came with a price. 

…Until the day I learned to say “No more.” 

And in my circumstance, “I am not subject to someone else’s emotional abuse,” looked like walking in to work, running clothes still on and backpack with change of work clothes still on my shoulders. A situation occurred within minutes of walking through the doors, and something within my 23 year old self...felt like it finally had the strength to put an end to it. It looked like walking into the room where I see my clients, praying and frantically googling Dr. Henry Cloud articles (#confession), and finally, 23 years of being a doormat and emotional sponge and a year of putting up with the utmost of unacceptable…FULLY believing I had the power to leave. Right then and there. I was not enslaved to being someone else’s emotional punching bag, or the other's trinket to gain self gratification and pleasure by touching OUT of a scope of practice. I was not just some petty little girl with hurt feelings. I was only punishing myself by staying. I was not BOUND to my circumstance. And by staying, I would only be enabling it. I could leave. “Just 10 seconds of courage.” 

And so, I did. I took a deep breath, backpack still on shoulders, and walked right up to the front desk. I shook my head "No" as they tried to frantically silence me. I remained calm, but I wanted everyone in that building to hear what had happened to me, and the behavior I would no longer tolerate. And my voice was finally heard. And I finally said "No more." And I walked right out that door. 

And so can you. Let me say this loud and clear: ABUSE has ZERO place at the table. I think that often times, we are so dead set that “this person” or “that job” or “by putting up with that situation” is the ONLY option. I’m here to tell you that it is not. If your success in your job or sport or art or future career path comes with the price of neglect, abuse, and complete disregard to caring for you and lacking integrity, then it is not worth trading yourself as someone else’s punching bag. I’ve been dumbfounded by how many people I know who self-proclaim how horrible their job, coach, teacher, or ANY higher power differential is…and yet…they stay. It is true that when abuse is all we are used to, we tend to either get comfortable with it, OR resort back to it. And unfortunately, we don’t realize just how brainwashed we’ve been until it’s too late, and the BIG boundaries are crossed, or we’re in complete and utter turmoil and an unhealthy headspace. I think that there are even times that we KNOW we need to speak up or walk away, but the fear of someone’s response becomes far greater than fear of addressing the actual problem. We mentally shift gears to prepare for someone else’s anger, wrath, irritability, manipulation, scolding, and the feelings that can make one’s heart and soul suddenly feel like a wilted flower needing water. We prepare for and mentally rehearse and feel all the nervous stomach churning before we even speak. It’s like we assume that because the other party is freaking out, yelling, raging, etc….then we are bound to somehow “absorbing” it and letting it cripple the remaining pieces of us that are healthy, happy, and whole.

I’m here to remind you: Someone else’s anger cannot get inside of you. Someone else’s stress cannot get inside of you. Someone else’s mockery does not have power over you. You are not subject to someone else’s emotional abuse.

Ever. You have boundaries and a voice and values that are more than worth exercising. So use them. Even if it means leaving what you thought would be the ultimate dream. Even if it costs you at first. Even if your expectations were on the opposite end of the spectrum, and reality shattered it. Maybe it's within a relationship, a job, a sport, a class, a church group...you are not BOUND to your circumstance of abuse, and you are ALLOWED to leave.

“No more.” SAY IT.