Today, I Was Supposed to Run a Marathon.

Today, I was supposed to run a marathon.

(MB Marathon, 2017. Showing my proof + token of completion. Also, never wear all black for a marathon. Or pin your bib # to the jacket you want to shed 10/26.2 miles in. Also, I hate medals. But I mean, "Everyone's a winner," sooo...;)) 

I had the date, October 21st, marked down. I put in the notice that I would be absent from school, gave the dates to my employer months in advance, so that I could road trip a day early to D.C. to try and conquer 26.2 miles once more. I stuck to a schedule, faithfully endured my weekly long run, pushed through the summer humidity, and even began to PR and progress from where I had started. My boyfriend (Who ran his first marathon in under 3 hours. Yes, he's a superhero.) created a schedule, graciously rode his bike alongside me several times as I trudged through a long run,  and was the most supportive and encouraging, even when I was totally sucking it. For once, I felt proud of myself. I even felt kind of impressible, because amidst school, work, and various other commitments, I was making room for this marathon, gosh darnit! I felt better physically than my last one (which also happened to be my first one), stayed caught up on sleep, and loved the "post long run skinny feeling" from losing water weight, and felt comforted that I could thin down within 2 weeks, just from running. I was ready for the long haul. I was ready to do this. I was ready to prove myself, because my gosh, people really admired my "dedication" to powering through such nitty gritty radness. On September 10th, I ran 18 miles. Only a handful of long runs to go to get to 22 miles for my longest...and I would be there. No matter what, I wasn't going to call it quits. Nope. Not this far in the game.

...And then the inevitable happened - life happened - and little did I know that my hard work, (literal) blood, sweat, and tears, and long miles would come to an end on that very day.

Finances were not calling for a weekend trip to D.C. to run with a $400 charity group. I had a few health scares. School was incredibly demanding, leaving little room for much else. My physical body was burning out, and the same wave of fatigue, depression, and stress began setting in, as it did 6 months prior. I was weak, not consuming enough calories (despite my immense love for peanut butter and rice cakes), exhausted, sleep deprived, and began developing a minor injury. Being a decent, functioning human felt like a chore. I felt enslaved to my own self. Soon, I experienced perhaps the biggest emotional breakdown and panic of my life. Though I tried "gently fighting" my body and the fatigue at first, some brief circumstances were my ultimate, "AG....STOP." 

And so, I did.

Physically, emotionally...there was no way I was going to keep waking up at 4:30AM and drag myself out of bed and onto the pavement, just to reach a number on my watch. It all went from feeling like I was on top of the world, to feeling like sheer torture. Over the span of about 4 weeks, it was like watching a fire that took a hefty amount of time to kindle, suddenly burn out. My endurance faded. In fact, I would probably struggle to run even 10-12 miles at this point. The triangular, distinctive "runner's thigh gap" that formed, started filling back in. I didn't have a weekly long run to feel proud about, or boast about on Facebook, or a marathon to run that I thought would be the weekend of a lifetime. Today, I was supposed to cross the finish line. I was supposed to have loved ones travel alongside me and motivate me through 26.2 miles. I was supposed to take a photo in my tight running clothes, bib #, and PR and hashtag #MarineCorpsMarathon. I was supposed to read a rush of comments and texts complimenting my achievement, and I was supposed to barely be able to take another step, because wow moly - marathons make you a little sore. I was supposed to feel fulfilled and like I accomplished something of greatness - after all, it's what feeds my perfectionist nature the sensation of feeling loved and appreciated. 

But this here little post really isn't about running, or even the marathon. You see, there's a whole lot that is not coming to fruition as I had imagined - goals I wanted to accomplish, sensations I wanted to feel, people and places I longed to see. I am only capable of giving 100% of myself, but I often feel as though I need to up it, to that humanly impossible 110%. Sometimes though? Oh my...sometimes, we humans need to back off. And I'm not just talking about physically exerting yourself. I'm talking about those everyday life kind of things: Creating the Pinterest perfect birthday party for your kid, over scheduling yourself so that you can meet every single person's minute need, feeling the pressure of being the perfect, unflawed mom to your new, wee one, falling prey to the expectations of your mom or dad or friend or teacher and burning yourself out or altering your life just to please them, beginning a diet or exercise regimen or eating method, when really you're stuck feeling like you've just signed a contract with your own body and can't mess up, eating pizza (and dipping it in ranch) after you've just begun said exercise/food regimen and beating yourself up about it or purging it or exercising it off, measuring your self worth in grades, hobbies, career majors, obsessing over your liner and brows and contour being "on fleek" because you fear others seeing the naked skin underneath, working 9-5 and then more and trying to get the raise or promotion or the thrill of "the more, the merrier" cash flow - because men - we women know that you just want to be the good father, husband, boyfriend, and over-working is often jaded for "working hard" or "dedication," and sometimes ya gotta give yourself a break (because yes - you too deserve it). Perhaps as you look at the little slice of time left for October, you feel as though you're drowning in overcommitment, social pressure, unattainable expectations, comparing your life or body or social status or experiences to the Mom or high schooler or Kendall Jenner whose Instagram's bio may as well say, "Hello, my name is _____, and I have my shit together!" when you, in fact, don't have said shit together, and feel like your life is falling a part, burning yourself out, and crawling and struggling to ring that 110% bell. 

(^^Metaphorical AG on burnout; hence bloodshot eyes and consumption of cookie the size of face^^)

No. STOP. I'm serious. Let's stick to giving 100%, ok? Perhaps it's time that you find the marathon in your life - the one leaving you bone tired or depressed or malfunctioning or stressed - and surrender the constant training and burnout over. Maybe it's the workaholic mindset. Maybe it's an actual marathon. Maybe it's feeling like a failure because your straight A flow dropped to a B or a C.  I don't know. It could be anything. Your ego and self esteem will probably hurt at first. When I made myself click the "Send" button to cancel my marathon, it literally felt like I was somehow failing others or letting them down (even though...no one else was even tackling this monster with me???). I wanted to be the superhuman who was capable; the superhuman who could juggle a million tasks, and even accomplish something demanding and difficult in the process. I didn't realize it, but as I (literally) ran myself rampant...I was trying to earn people's affection, approval, and words of affirmation, but through doing something that would be deemed "praiseworthy" (aka a marathon, in my case). I'm a perfectionist who often struggles with feeling okay with being enough - just being the 100%. But the truth is that I couldn't  humanly balance it all. Even amidst the initial red flags, I still tried to push through. And it took quite a slap in the face from life to (almost literally) take my breath away and bring me back down to reality.

Hey; you...

...Give yourself grace. We humans often struggle with this. I'm not talking about this ambiguous "self love" movement spreading all over social media either - but rather...extend yourself some space within your own life, and back away when your fleshly desires begin consuming you. We were not created to be professionals at burnout. We were not created to superhuman. We were not created with 110% defining wholeness. Because of who God is, we have an open invitation to rest in his ever extending grace and peace. It's always there, but sometimes, we must allow our human nature to surrender something over to claim it and feel it. It's sort of like needing to simply adjust your backpack to quickly resolve the dull ache and tension, and yet, you keep wearing it too low, and the tension and dull ache remain and fester (Isn't that the ugliest word?).

And so, to open the floor for you too to ponder what you might surrender, what you might reprioritize, perhaps consider what has been silently consuming you - I'll tell you some of my goals, because as I write this, I still struggle with my perfectionist, 110%, "run the marathon" nature that's been draining me for quite a while now:

i. Start breaking my "vegan" based lifestyle. 

I literally found a book called, "Breaking Vegan," that I'm going to buy. No; I'm totally serious. Kind of ridiculous, right? After almost 4 years, I've realized the most I've gotten from it is a sense of control, and feeling like an utter failure if I don't "eat perfectly",  or feel a sense of guilt when I splurge and have something with (Heaven forbid) an "imperfect", "unethical", "animal product infested" ingredient in it. While I still super love a lot of the health benefits/really do feel better without animal protein as my staple...the vegan community (yeah; YOU GUYS!) and pressure to eat perfectly (which collides horrifically with my already "perfectionist" nature) and my tendency to cling to the same safety net of certain foods can just get downright overwhelming and stressful, as petty as it sounds. Vegan obsessed blogs, YouTube channels, and Instas don't help much either. It's like this, "If you don't eat perfectly, or even dare look at a product with a trace of an animal product, PETA is going to hunt you down and lock you in prison with a bunch of Paleo Crossfitters!" kind of mindset. In all seriousness though - it's baffling how these sites that are supposedly "encouraging" and "helping you to be the best version of yourself," make you feel more like a food obsessed failure, if you screw up the diet or lifestyle. I just want to eat well, feel well, and not resort to living off of the same 5 or 6 foods 24/7. Eating pizza with pineapple and (gasp) bacon on it on the weekend has helped ;). Simply, I want to eat to survive + remain healthy and homeostatic and whatnot. Nothing more.

ii. Allow my face to be bare, and "...Quite frankly, my dear...not give a damn." 

(Bonus points if you got that reference) In September, I allowed it to be bare, but mainly because I was an emotional wreck...oh...almost every day? And so, what the heck is the point in wearing eye makeup, when it's just going to raccoon? A few classmates + my dear boyfriend, however, spoke the simplest words, "You look nice without makeup on," and just those few words gave a sense of freedom that I've felt lacked for years, kinda like how I currently feel with my "part time, vegan diet". So now, I want to just feel okay with my naked face, and only wear makeup when I want to spruce up and feel pretty on occasion. I've been allowing it to go bare, to which people either say, "WOW! No makeup? I like it!" or "Awwh; you look TIRED," or "Are you ok?" And so, I am currently working on the whole "Not giving a damn" part, because I've been fully aware that some people much prefer to see my face with filled in brows, winged liner, and the "hazy glow" that I used to wear all day, every day, no "Ifs, ands, or Buts."

iii. Stop over-scheduling myself and people pleasing. 

Like I mentioned before, I'm a perfectionist with myself. I also am a people pleaser, and crave affirmation to feel better about myself. Busyness also can easily become my drug. And so, I want to balance everything in moderation. I want to work on only committing to things that I know I can attain, and not drowning myself in busyness or always going somewhere, or doing something, just for the sake of running from my feelings and emotions when life gets messy. I want to feel confident when I say, "No," to something, and also stop feeling the pressure to give an entirely long, drawn out explanation. I want to feel peace with who God has created me to be, and to take on life with my career and hobbies and aspirations with him as my Shepherd...not an unfulfilled desire to always rely on fellow humans to be my only source of feeling whole.

Are you holding onto something that psychs you into believing it's a companion, when really it's doing you more harm than good? Does it keep you awake at night? Is it taking a toll on your sanity? And do you feel grounded? Or does your life feel rampant and like you can never do enough of anything, please enough people, or catch a single breath?

So maybe? Maybe there's a metaphorical "marathon" in your life that is controlling you. And maybe it's time to, quite simply (yet not so simply), let something go. Maybe it's time we stick with that 100%.