What I'm about to start typing out almost doesn't even feel real. In January of 2017, I wrote "So, AG...what's next?" and now, almost a year and a half later, I am so joyful to write out the fruition of that original post. I feel such an array of different emotions - gratitude, joy, bittersweetness, ambition - so let's get to it, shall we?
Since that last post, quite a bit has happened and changed. My hair is no longer bleached (and all the crunchy people and their green juice said "Amen!"). I, the girl who SWORE she'd never date someone who went to Ledford High, met in a gym, or who wasn't at least 10 years older than herself, have been in a wonderful relationship with a super cute bearded guy with all attributes from above, and for over a year now. And yes - pretty sure I love that guy a little more every day. I finished school, passed my state board, work as a massage therapist at a spa, and recently began my own practice. I stopped wearing so much dang makeup all the time (Shoutout to some classmates and my guy who literally changed my life by the power of a few words), and started letting my face go bare more. And feeling really, really okay with it. I traded pop culture radio for K-Love. I came face to face with a lot of my introspective ugliness, fears, and demons I've wrestled over the years, and saw many of them put to rest. I've faced difficult decisions, experienced a season of sheer panic and stress, heartbreak, and quite a few moments of feeling like I was merely praying to air and feeling incredulously, internally lonely. But I've also experienced, firsthand, what it's like to be pulled out of a season of absolute despair, depression, and a crippling, anxiety jaded reality. I've experienced more life, more hope, more beauty and pockets of joy than ever in my life. I've learned that although my expectations are often jinxed by reality, that doesn't equate life in its entirety to suddenly being shitty and hopeless. I learned that those moments are temporary, and even though it sometimes feels like my spirit is being crushed by the realness and harshness of this world we live in...it's going to pass. I've learned, on that same note, that even amidst a chronically difficult season, that it also is humanly my choice as to what my perspective will be. Didn't get the job? Fireworks got rained out? Service engine light came on? Sucks for a moment, but it has 0 power to reshape my entire day and the good that I'm probably overlooking. It's my choice; not the circumstance's. I've experienced immense comfort when my soul was restless, peace when my mind was rampant, and clarity when I felt as though I was begging the Holy Spirit for answers. You know what I also learned?
...Precisely what I typed out almost a year and a half ago. Sometimes, you need to give things time to unfold, and stop expecting them to work themselves out in 1 week's time, dang it! *points to self*
"...I made room. I gave God space. And you know what's kind of funny? Things started happening. Things started unfolding. I started discerning God's voice in ways I never had before. Dare I say - I even felt a spirit of joy, which I had not in quite a long time. I took a mere 2 week hiatus from social media, made a (desperately needed) quiet time with God priority, and essentially had to say, 'Lord, Your will be done.' I welcomed silence. I let my rapid mind relax. I had to come to a place of being okay with aspirations and strong desires not panning out. I let go of expectations I clung so tightly to, and just let things happen. If I have learned anything, it is that sometimes, the unknown is often what will mold you and shape you and force you to grit your teeth and dig a little deeper. And who knows? Stepping into the unknown just might be your answer. Give Heavenly Father space. Press into the stillness. Welcome the silence. See what happens."
That is what leads me here. For 12 years now, I have had the deepest ambition and desire to move to CA. I remember the first time that thought ever entered my mind so clearly. I was a scrawny little thing sitting outside of a shoe store, feeling almost urgently that I wanted and even NEEDED to go. And you know what happened?
More doors SHUT than I could count. It took me 7 years to go. And the first time was just a connecting flight in LAX for a few minutes. Believe me when I say I fought tooth and nail and kicked and screamed and was ready to start prying some doors open. And a few times? Things legitimately started working out in my favor. 2 years ago, I almost had a place to stay, and a dear friend as a roommate. I almost had a job. I knew a bunch of people throughout the state. I met amazing people on some more trips I took out there, and "Surely," I thought, "I will have some sort of Divine connection that will 'BOOM!' be my 1 way ticket to CA." Everything seemed almost too good to be true. And it was. The friendship deteriorated. People found their groups, faded away, we lost contact, and felt as nothing more than acquaintances or strangers. The job wasn't promising, and if anything, actually seemed really sketchy. Doors that were swinging wide open...were suddenly slammed shut. On top of it, I had no idea what I was doing with my life. No, really. I had passions and hobbies and a sorta-kinda-fuzzy-vision...but no real game plan. I was crushed. My high of ambition and expectations turned to dust. There was so much to be done, with so little answers. I felt like a failure. I felt depressed many, many times. I wondered at certain points if this was God's way of punishing me. This almost lifelong vision and dream of mine...nothing was happening. If anything, the shut doors and pure rejection pointed in the direction that CA was, in fact, NOT where I should be headed. What a fool I felt like. I was always the girl crazily, but confidently, telling people of her plans to move to CA with much enthusiasm. And now, it felt like a joke. I felt like nothing more than a dreamer with her head in the clouds, and a failure on the sidelines watching a dream painfully, slowly, almost torturously break a part. My own life was taunting me. Nothing was happening.
But oh - everything was happening.
A baby in utero has to grow. Dessert has to bake. Orchards have to blossom. Marathons will always take 26.2 miles. The common denominator? Things. take. TIME. In the words of Jane Johnson (writing about her 10 year wait for her miracle pregnancy),
"...But for us, those things weren’t the miracle we were both convinced and convicted God would perform for us. And, beyond that, the heart of the matter is that Christians today have somehow gotten away from the art of waiting. Because it’s uncomfortable. Painful, even. And flies in the face of our 'get it now and get it fast' culture.
So I ask one big and bold question: Can we get back to the art of simply waiting on the LORD? Because there are beautiful promises tucked away within the wait (Isaiah 40:31 being one of them)."
The biggest life lesson I've learned, is that waiting and things taking time, is not wasted. If I had gone to CA 2 years ago, I would not have gone to massage therapy school. I wouldn't have had a reliable car to drive across the country and throughout CA traffic. If I had gone last year, I would not have met my wonderful guy, Sully. I think that because we cannot humanly see God working out those nitty gritty details - sometimes being that we are meant to wait for the people or happenings or spiritual "EUREKA!"s to unfold first - we often automatically assume that nothing is happening, or that our dream or lifelong ambition is a ruin. If I've learned anything, it's that time is absolutely everything, and holding back and squeamishly allowing things to unfold IS precisely what should be happening! It IS the Divine intervention. We prefer to see miracles and answers in the present, in the now, and we often like for them to be clear cut and tangible. However, I find that I personally am left with pointers, but even more so a call to step out in faith OR to step back, and in faith, allow things to unfold and simply happen. Not kicking, not screaming, not rushing to pick the fruit that isn't ripened yet; but to be actively seeking wisdom and confirmation in my prayers, planting seeds, and then the most squeamish part....waiting. Waiting for those seeds to grow; to flourish; to produce the actual fruit. I've learned that most of the things I am on pins and needles trying to force to happen in as near future as possible....usually are the exact things that I am on for the long haul.
And so, here comes the surreal part that I still can't really believe I am typing out. After 12 years, many prayers, many times of begging God for answers and clarity, much failure, a million closed doors, rejection, disappointment, reality crushing expectation...
In August, I am moving to California.
All I can feel is grateful. I am still in awe of how it has unfolded, and how it will continue to. My expectations have been surpassed by things I could have never dreamt of. I have a job lined up as a massage therapist. Some of the kindest, most generous friends of mine have offered a place to stay while I get settled and prepare to move out on my own. My best friend and favorite guy, Sully, was accepted into The Master's University in Santa Clarita and will be joining me in this 36 hour, cross country adventure. One of my best friends, BLESS her, enthusiastically volunteered to drive my car across the country, so we don't have to pay to ship the other. I'm not kidding. I am still in complete awe. I have a head full of dreams that I'm eager to begin cultivating and exploring. A lot of people comment on my life and how "adventurous" it seems, or how "exciting" my posts on social media are. I think that, perhaps, there is sometimes the idea that I just do as I please and don't have to worry about all that much, or that life is always chocolate cake. Well, let me tell you, it has definitely not come without hard work, ups and downs, and a roller coaster of emotions. I pay for all of my travel expenses. I don't ask for money from my parents or family, and if I need more money, I work for it; whether that be picking up extra shifts, or hosting photo sessions, or saving it along the way. I don't just score lucky either. I take time and scope things out, plant seeds, network, and do all of the planning. Sometimes all perfectly aligns, and other times, things fall through and I move to a Plan B and then a Plan C. Life has felt like a slap in the face at times. And like I mentioned before - remember, this has been a 12 year process. So lots of waiting. And more waiting.
But alas - the wait is nearly almost over. In less than 2 months, I will pack my life into a few bags and road trip 36 hours across the country and become a CA transplant. While it is exciting and adventurous and like a dream come true to think about, it also is so bittersweet. I'll sometimes catch myself in my ego cloud of, "Pffft; there's so much more in CA than this small town." But you know what? Thomasville, NC, though teeny tiny and hosting a pretty scary Wal-Mart, will always be home. I've always found it to be a little arrogant when people are quick to trash their hometown, as if their new city or place of living suddenly makes them so much cooler and better than everyone else. Admittedly? I've fallen prey to this mentality before. I get it; if you had no real community and lived a shoddy childhood full of expectations and 0 authenticity, it makes sense. But this past year, I had a good ego check with myself, and honestly formed a soft spot for this small town of mine. It's the people who made it that way. There's a coffee shop I go to on the weekly, with the most offbeat group of kids/young adults who I'll often see. It was my study spot all through school, and still my favorite little haven to be around humanity, but also in my own little bubble. ;) I don't think any hipster, conventional, wheatgrass shot coffee shop in a big city could replace the community I've found here, my usual americano or cold brew with a splash of coconut milk, or the way one of the owners is quick to stop and pray for you when checking in on how your life is going. My church is full of thinkers and real, genuine community; and my pastor has set many afternoons aside to meet up with Sully and me, and make our brains explode with his wisdom. The YMCA was the first place I actually started really caring about/improving myself physically. Everyone feels like family. I've been given much life advice, and taken under many wings. I've been joined for many 4AM long runs, joined in on a marathon training group, met a beautiful, selfless soul who one day came up to me and said, "The Lord has led me to give my tithes to you to support you in your CA mission," (you know exactly who you are; and I still find myself in awe of your generosity and pure kindness and am forever grateful), been pushed and realized I could do more than I thought I could, and also fell in love with a super cute runner dude who I met, whilst swinging a kettlebell one evening. ;) That place will always hold a menagerie of memories, good people, and good times. My home, my family, where I grew up - shaped much of who I am today. My dad and my brother taught me that conversations about philosophy and religion and politics can actually be (dare I say)...fun. Enlightening. Interesting. And my mom taught me that the power of prayer, and especially the small ones, are always worth praying, and that listening to annoying 80s music while cleaning makes it go by faster. ;) Leaving home makes me reflect quite a bit on my childhood - family vacations, summer evenings spent running around barefoot in the yard, instigating and then being dumped in the trash can by the church bullies back in the day, chocolate chip pancakes being our Friday morning tradition back in school, prepping for dance recitals during the summer and stage productions during the school year, sleepovers and hide-and-go-seek tag and bike rides around the neighborhood and playing Barbies until sunset with the next door neighbors, saving my whopping $5 a week for being a "babysitter's helper" and finally buying a baby hamster, my dad digging graves for said hamsters and my mom comforting mourning kids over said hamsters, creating Barbie horror movies and slightly graphic American Girl Doll, slow motion birth videos with my BFF, life being carefree and curious. My entire family has helped shape who I am today, even though I am hardheaded and often pretend I'm *totes independent and have got this life stuff*, and I would not be who I am today without their constant love, support, encouragement, and generosity.
It's easy to feel strong, ambitious, and push forward into new adventures and realities - but the truth is this: Leaving home is bittersweet, new territory can be a little scary, and homesickness is real thing. In a little over 1 month's time, I will be a coast away from everything I am familiar with and have always known, and begin a new chapter in my life. But you know - I also feel a strange sense of peace about it all as well. Trying out life in CA isn't an act of rebellion, my motive to go "find myself", or really even my way of trying to fill some void. It's simply an open door to many years of prayer and waiting, and so all I can do is pack my bags, take a leap of faith, and allow things to simply unfold.
"I sought the Lord, and he answered me
and delivered me from all my fears.
Those who look to him are radiant,
and their faces shall never be ashamed." Psalm 34:4-5
And so, here comes the surreal part that I still can't really believe I am typing out. After 12 years, many prayers, many times of begging God for answers and clarity, much failure, a million closed doors, rejection, disappointment, reality crushing expectation...
In August, I am moving to California.
All I can feel is grateful. I am still in awe of how it has unfolded, and how it will continue to. My expectations have been surpassed by things I could have never dreamt of. I have a job lined up as a massage therapist. Some of the kindest, most generous friends of mine have offered a place to stay while I get settled and prepare to move out on my own. My best friend and favorite guy, Sully, was accepted into The Master's University in Santa Clarita and will be joining me in this 36 hour, cross country adventure. One of my best friends, BLESS her, enthusiastically volunteered to drive my car across the country, so we don't have to pay to ship the other. I'm not kidding. I am still in complete awe. I have a head full of dreams that I'm eager to begin cultivating and exploring. A lot of people comment on my life and how "adventurous" it seems, or how "exciting" my posts on social media are. I think that, perhaps, there is sometimes the idea that I just do as I please and don't have to worry about all that much, or that life is always chocolate cake. Well, let me tell you, it has definitely not come without hard work, ups and downs, and a roller coaster of emotions. I pay for all of my travel expenses. I don't ask for money from my parents or family, and if I need more money, I work for it; whether that be picking up extra shifts, or hosting photo sessions, or saving it along the way. I don't just score lucky either. I take time and scope things out, plant seeds, network, and do all of the planning. Sometimes all perfectly aligns, and other times, things fall through and I move to a Plan B and then a Plan C. Life has felt like a slap in the face at times. And like I mentioned before - remember, this has been a 12 year process. So lots of waiting. And more waiting.
But alas - the wait is nearly almost over. In less than 2 months, I will pack my life into a few bags and road trip 36 hours across the country and become a CA transplant. While it is exciting and adventurous and like a dream come true to think about, it also is so bittersweet. I'll sometimes catch myself in my ego cloud of, "Pffft; there's so much more in CA than this small town." But you know what? Thomasville, NC, though teeny tiny and hosting a pretty scary Wal-Mart, will always be home. I've always found it to be a little arrogant when people are quick to trash their hometown, as if their new city or place of living suddenly makes them so much cooler and better than everyone else. Admittedly? I've fallen prey to this mentality before. I get it; if you had no real community and lived a shoddy childhood full of expectations and 0 authenticity, it makes sense. But this past year, I had a good ego check with myself, and honestly formed a soft spot for this small town of mine. It's the people who made it that way. There's a coffee shop I go to on the weekly, with the most offbeat group of kids/young adults who I'll often see. It was my study spot all through school, and still my favorite little haven to be around humanity, but also in my own little bubble. ;) I don't think any hipster, conventional, wheatgrass shot coffee shop in a big city could replace the community I've found here, my usual americano or cold brew with a splash of coconut milk, or the way one of the owners is quick to stop and pray for you when checking in on how your life is going. My church is full of thinkers and real, genuine community; and my pastor has set many afternoons aside to meet up with Sully and me, and make our brains explode with his wisdom. The YMCA was the first place I actually started really caring about/improving myself physically. Everyone feels like family. I've been given much life advice, and taken under many wings. I've been joined for many 4AM long runs, joined in on a marathon training group, met a beautiful, selfless soul who one day came up to me and said, "The Lord has led me to give my tithes to you to support you in your CA mission," (you know exactly who you are; and I still find myself in awe of your generosity and pure kindness and am forever grateful), been pushed and realized I could do more than I thought I could, and also fell in love with a super cute runner dude who I met, whilst swinging a kettlebell one evening. ;) That place will always hold a menagerie of memories, good people, and good times. My home, my family, where I grew up - shaped much of who I am today. My dad and my brother taught me that conversations about philosophy and religion and politics can actually be (dare I say)...fun. Enlightening. Interesting. And my mom taught me that the power of prayer, and especially the small ones, are always worth praying, and that listening to annoying 80s music while cleaning makes it go by faster. ;) Leaving home makes me reflect quite a bit on my childhood - family vacations, summer evenings spent running around barefoot in the yard, instigating and then being dumped in the trash can by the church bullies back in the day, chocolate chip pancakes being our Friday morning tradition back in school, prepping for dance recitals during the summer and stage productions during the school year, sleepovers and hide-and-go-seek tag and bike rides around the neighborhood and playing Barbies until sunset with the next door neighbors, saving my whopping $5 a week for being a "babysitter's helper" and finally buying a baby hamster, my dad digging graves for said hamsters and my mom comforting mourning kids over said hamsters, creating Barbie horror movies and slightly graphic American Girl Doll, slow motion birth videos with my BFF, life being carefree and curious. My entire family has helped shape who I am today, even though I am hardheaded and often pretend I'm *totes independent and have got this life stuff*, and I would not be who I am today without their constant love, support, encouragement, and generosity.
It's easy to feel strong, ambitious, and push forward into new adventures and realities - but the truth is this: Leaving home is bittersweet, new territory can be a little scary, and homesickness is real thing. In a little over 1 month's time, I will be a coast away from everything I am familiar with and have always known, and begin a new chapter in my life. But you know - I also feel a strange sense of peace about it all as well. Trying out life in CA isn't an act of rebellion, my motive to go "find myself", or really even my way of trying to fill some void. It's simply an open door to many years of prayer and waiting, and so all I can do is pack my bags, take a leap of faith, and allow things to simply unfold.
"I sought the Lord, and he answered me
and delivered me from all my fears.
Those who look to him are radiant,
and their faces shall never be ashamed." Psalm 34:4-5
Anna that was beautiful. Good luck to you in CA!
ReplyDelete