Embracing the Hill

Do you ever make an adrenalin filled, impulsive decision in the moment to do something, and an hour later think, "Why did I actually do that?"

I know I have. In 2016, a friend announced on Facebook that she was prepping to train for a half marathon, and reached out publicly to see if anyone wanted to join. Without hesitation, a google search on what this would even entail, and having literally never run a whopping 1 mile outside, I commented and signed myself up. I was stoked. I was ready. And I was going to flipping kill it. And on my first training run, I couldn't even run 4 laps around a track without shriveling up, hunching over, and panting like a parched mutt. It was bad. And on the day of my first long run, I didn't eat beforehand, bring water, and ran the first mile at a sub 7:00 pace. I could model political media and just stop the story here, and let ya bask in my running glory. No food or water and running the first mile sub 7:00??? WOW. BADA$$!!!  I bet you can't even guess how the last 6 miles unfolded from there.

If you guessed walk-jog-hobbling the remainder of time, wondering if cold chills in 80 degrees was normal, anatomical behavior, and my friend running far ahead, finishing long before me, and even circling back around to make sure I was still hangin' in there (Heather Crawford; I'm looking at you!!!), you would be correct. It was quite a humbling experience...as was the entire summer of training. 

From then, I continued in this newly found joy, and have since run a marathon, 2 half marathons, a handful of 5Ks, and then just miles out of my own enjoyment. As my base phase recently ended, and my first day of marathon training began today, and new goals and ambitions have been brewing, it's gotten me thinking, "Why do I actually do this and enjoy it so much???" So as I sit here, sore and still exhausted from a track workout that was supposed to be 70 degrees and overcast (newsflash: It wasn't), I have some thoughts. After all, there must be the energy behind someone's intention, in order for it to actually be driven. Right?! 

My "WHY" has varied from season to season. Sometimes it is by watching others totally kill it in a race. Sometimes it is the fact that I date an avid runner. Sometimes it is that I want to tackle something seemingly impossible. But as I got lost in thought as I ran this morning, it boiled down to this: Running makes me feel fierce, strong, free, and unstoppable. I believe that certain shadows of childhood can spur us on as we grow, because if I'm being honest: When I was a little girl, I felt none of these things. I was a scrawny, thin haired, gap toothed girl with knobby knees, shrimpy arms, and a dash of freckles across my nose. I was always known as the "skinny one" - or, more affectionately "Skinny Gray". It's not so much that I disliked my body, as I did how people described it. When I was asked if I was anorexic or why my legs were so boney or if I "ever ate" or it assumed that I couldn't do something, simply because I was skinny....it didn't exactly make me feel beautiful. Or fierce. Strong. Free. Unstoppable. Rather, it made me feel: Inferior. Weak. Confined. Limited.

"I hate how people look at me like I'm a weakling just because 'I'm thin'." -Journal entry, 2012

And as I grew and blossomed into a young little lady, I set out to prove that I was not weak and that I could do hard things. Running was a pivotal piece for me - not purely because it "proved people wrong" - but because it really became a life mantra, a source of joy, and a confidence that I never had. Though I admit, I would have loved to see a lot of faces the summer I gained 10 pounds, found out my hair was curly if I didn't touch it, and started working out. ;) 

Running became an accessory to both life and my wellbeing. It has taught me that things take time and patience, because a marathon will forever and always take 26.2 miles. It has taught me that being uncomfortable is an opportunity to press in and endure. It has taught me that hills must be climbed, but by round 10, those hills seem a little smaller and a little less painful.  And it also has taught, in that same breath, that there is immense power in rest and recovery; not JUST the workouts and the miles pounded out. It has given me the space to wake up before most of the world around me has; to bask in the early morning haze - just the Creator, open sky, and myself. Running makes me feel fierce, because it teaches me that with a little grit, I can reach those goals and miles that once seemed unreachable. It makes me feel strong, because when my brain is trying to make me stop, I press on and keep going. It makes me feel free, because it is as if I have a piece of the world and this sacred space and time to myself. And it makes me feel unstoppable, because whether I'm on the brink of suffering during a long run, or digging deeper and running fast and hard...the wind in my hair, sweat on my face, and the set of lungs and the heart that are putting in their fair share, makes it feel like I have this open room to really and fully breathe (unless it's in metropolitan L.A.), and as if nothing can stop me, catch me, or get in the way (except for dang trains).

"That’s what 'Embracing the Hill' is all about. As with anything that seems impossible often times, when you lean into it—when you learn to embrace it— you gain the power to conquer it." -Sarah Canney