You're Allowed To Say "No"

Can I tell you something?

You are not a doormat, and you shouldn't passively oblige to letting others wipe the muck from their feet on you, either.

Don't worry, this isn't going to be a #SelfCare, only focus on yourself, never go out of your way for others kind of post. Peer pressure is typically associated with high school and drugs and alcohol and all the nitty gritties. Quite frankly though, I believe that peer pressure's shadow haunts us into adulthood. I am strong willed and feisty; but I am equally passive and withdraw easily when someone's dominance threatens my personal bubble. I am opinionated and hold many values, but for the longest time, would also fearfully oblige and submit to someone's passive aggression, or control freak nature. I will speak up strongly for myself and for others, but I also am like a sponge...I absorb others' words and gestures and social cues, and allow my heart to be consumed by them.

Truth be told: This is something I am still working on. But the day I said "No more" to toxic situations, and left the job, the small group, the relationship...was the day I could finally retire being a walking doormat. And you can too. 

I don't like letting people down, cringe inside when someone belittles or raises their voice at me (seriously, if you yell, I'm leaving #ByeFelicia), and avoid conflict, and I feel like I have utterly failed if I say "No" and someone takes it the wrong way.

BUT, truth be told: I have also begun realizing that my capacity can only do so much. I want to help people - and I love doing so - but there are those times when it's that battle of, "Am I being selfish? Or am I setting a personal boundary?" One of my favorite teachers from school, who I affectionately dubbed "Lovely Sue", once brought up some food for thought,

"Why is someone else's time suddenly more important than yours?"

Notice that she's not saying "As important".  I believe that everyone's time is important. But. People often, without necessarily even realizing it, subtly ask more and more of you. Why? Because they did it once, and it opened the door for them to keep doing so. Again. And again. And again. Hear me out: We SHOULD go above and beyond for others. We SHOULD be selfless. We SHOULD go out of our way. We SHOULD find it joy to bless others. And, we should do so often.

...But we also should not become a doormat; allowing others to manipulate or take advantage. There is much a difference between - out of love and kindness - serving somebody; versus enabling their sabotaging behavior. If we truly believe in freedom from slavery, then WHY do we continue to enslave our very selves?! And friends - often times in the work place, friendship circles, church, sports, family life, we are dealing with a kind of toxicity that is manipulative, controlling, and simply wants to use and abuse you. The abusive party will project their emotional baggage onto you; often times to the degree of twisting their words in such a way, that suddenly you are made to believe that their behavior is suddenly your fault. See the problem here? If you too are a walking doormat, listen up:

You need to start setting boundaries. And that starts with being able to say, in truth and in love, the 2 letter word: NO. Or, No more. Let me preface by saying that this should not be to fulfill your selfish desires, manipulate others' time, and get your way, by slapping on the label "Boundary". A TRUE boundary is a dividing line. It differentiates between what is Acceptable vs. Unacceptable - and as a recovering walking doormat myself - leads to freedom from emotional, people pleasing enslavement. Has anyone ever told you that you are ALLOWED to say "No"? If not, then I'm here to reinforce that permission.

You ARE allowed to say NO! It's not the literal, verbal action that is so daunting, but rather, bracing ourselves for the emotional outcome, and someone else's feelings that we believe can "get inside of us". The truth is that when you set a boundary, there will often times be anger. Gaslighting. Manipulation. Backlash. Retaliation. Does any of this sound familiar?

"You should have been happy to do _____!"

"You're just selfish."

"I know you're not comfortable meeting up 101, but I have some things you might not know."

"If you were a good son/daughter/wife/father, then you would do _____ for me."

"Fine; do as you please. I guess I just don't matter to you!"

"After all I've done for you..."

"If you want to be successful, then do _____ as I say."

In dating.

In sports (Mary Cain, anyone?). 

In church culture/small groups.

In relationships.

In family dynamics.

In the workforce.

In situations that will only but enable someone else's toxic, belittling, manipulative behavior.

There are all sorts of situations this could look like. But let me tell you: There is power in being able to draw that dividing line, and not shrink away to over explaining/apologizing for it. There is power in taking back and upholding your own values, and with that, comes so much freedom. It's not easy, but it keeps others' feet off of you as their walking, living, breathing doormat.

So, let's shake off the dust and say "No more."