There's no way around it. Even if it was all the telltale, slap in the face, red flags that basically SCREAM, "GET OUT!!!!" it does not make the process any less painful. It hurts. It stings. It feels like a punch in the gut, and a blow to your self worth. I've been there. Oh boy, have I been there. I'm sure you're sitting on the other side of your laptop screen, itching to hear some juicy details and the rated R version of this. You're in the wrong spot, if that is what you're anticipating. This isn't about who did what and when and a literary T-Swift collab (that's what my journal is for;)). Everyone deserves grace and forgiveness...something I am learning - slowly but surely - and striving for. Don't be mistaken. This isn't about my breakup. This is about what I learned and how I was met through my breakup. And from the depths of my heart and soul - I hope and pray that this meets you, girl who feels unlovable, in a time you need it.
As I sat at the bar in my favorite LA coffee shop, a Facetime call popped up on my laptop screen. I smiled, picked up, and giggled at his shower hair and made a dumb comment about the fact that he wasn't wearing a shirt yet. There was a pause. There was no smile in return. The brown eyes I always gushed as "compassionate" were stone cold, and would not look into mine. I do not remember the prelude, but what I heard were these stinging, painful, throbbing, brutally honest words:
"I think we need to stop seeing each other. I'm not in love with you anymore."
It was as if the clamor and bustle of the coffee shop came to a standstill, and all of time just froze. I didn't know if I wanted to throw up, cry, or just get the hell out of there. Sure, this was a conversation that had been coming up in the blood, guts, and gore a couple weeks prior. In fact, I even muttered that first sentence myself - unable to fulfill it by way of my own insecurity and weakness -just a week prior. The truth is that I was prepared for a relationship, even after 2 years in the making, to end. But I was not prepared for those words. I was not prepared or ready to receive, perhaps, the coldest, most brutal mouth full of words I'd ever absorbed in my life. To go from giving all of yourself physically and emotionally to someone - sharing laughter, tears, stories, bodies, affection, life plans, allll the ridiculous portions of Dopamine - and being told over and over just how much you are loved...to 3 days later, suddenly not being loved at all...is a really hard pill to swallow. Oh yeah, and I also was all alone in Los Angeles. I had no community to uphold me. No person's house to run to and cry. No arms to run into. I had phone conversations, but at the end of the day, I just had myself and my thoughts. And it was painful. Oh my gosh...it was so painful. To be isolated with one's own thoughts for too long, we know, is dangerous.
During many hour long, grief induced phone calls that week, I learned that some of my closest gals had experienced the same, brutal words. I was already working through the utter failure of a marathon I DNFd 3 days prior, then burying a relationship that we both assumed would be a forever kinda deal, then agonizing over 7 heartless words on top. To the girl who feels unlovable, or was told, "I don't love you anymore," or "I'm not in love with you anymore," I want you to sit your tushie down, grab a glass of your fave wine (I happen to be xtra frugal and like Trader Joe's $2.99 merlot), coffee, whatever suits your fancy, and listen to me for a second:
I too have heard those words, and I know how badly it hurts. It doesn't make sense. It hurts. It is heartless. And if you're anything like me, perhaps you found yourself in a pathetic haze for 3 weeks, barely ate, drank, slept, functioned, and could have driven into a telephone pole and honestly not cared. When you heard those words, I can imagine it shook your world a little. It made you question your worth. It made you, who thought your heart was protected and enfolded and in a safe place, feel like it was frozen, blended up, hammered to pieces, and blended all over again. It made you, the girl who was once in love, feel unlovable. I know I did. In fact, my heart was so broken, that it was as if I was starting my life from scratch, re-finding myself, and rebuilding my very essence and the pieces of me I had lost. That's the thing. I became so reliant (or, let's be honest, codependent) on my significant, that I lost every ounce of independence and self-esteem that I once had. I quite literally did not know what to do with myself. I fueled my malnourished body with more caffeine and alcohol than I ever have in my life. I felt like a dead girl walking (cue Heathers) (no; please don't). Those 7 words seemed to strip any and every word or action of kindness demonstrated towards me, and all I could feel was the weight of my imperfections. It was this metaphorical, Garden of Eden moment of "perceiving my nakedness". Instead of seeing who I had become, I only saw the version of myself that wasn't enough. My eyes were opened to what I could do more of, be more of, and fighting the harsh reality that I was not longer lovable enough for someone.
To the girl who feels unlovable:
First of all, I want you to know that from the depths of my soul...that is a lie.
From the pits of Hell.
Plain and simple.
You are not his words over you.
You are not the catastrophe of your breakup or lost love.
Your are not a strand of words that were involuntarily projected onto you.
You are not what someone else thinks you are.
And if you have been told...
I'm not in love with you anymore
...Know that it has nothing to do with your worth, value, or capability of being loved. You do not need to earn love. You do not need to perform and do more and be more to be loved. And the truth is, if this was said to you, he either never truly loved you in the first place, or did not know how to love you well enough to keep you. Love is not half hearted. Love is a sacrifice and a choice. It is not "I love you" one day and "I'm not in love with you anymore" the next. I know your heart feels like it's been ripped out of your chest. I know that your tendency is to wallow in the words you THINK you are, and mull over that daunting, underlying question, "What if it is actually true?" Listen to me.
You are lovable.
Even when he couldn't love you.
Even when he told you that you were not.
Even when the emptiness inside of you makes it feel as though there is no heartbeat in your chest.
Even when it feels so cold, so dark, so lonely.
Even when you remind yourself over and over and over again: "He said it himself...he's not in love with me anymore. I am not loved. I am too much. I am unlovable. I did something that will prevent me from ever being loved again."
You see...
...What we feed our mind, we start to believe, and what we believe...we start to become.
But I want to tell you that the broken pieces of your heart that were once scattered, can indeed become whole again. Do you believe that? Do you really? Because I do. I believe it with all of my heart. Why? Because I realized that I was mistaking my brokenness for being unlovable, damaged goods; and refusing to believe that I could actually become a healthy, whole person again. I tied my identity to my relationship. For 2.5 years, I felt like nothing without it. I clung to it like a scared little girl hiding behind her parent. If I let go, that meant being alone, and the very idea of loneliness was petrifying. I purged ambitions and boundaries, and in trade, made myself believe that I needed my significant in order to feel happy and fulfilled and whole. My relationship became my everything. It consumed me. It filled every piece of my heart's void. And then it ended, and I lost the person who was my happiness, and I lost myself along with it. If you had asked me in October and November and December if I was capable of believing that I - the broken, lonely, Los Angeleno girl swallowed by the city - could feel whole and be whole again...I would not have believed it. Not even for a second. Reading my Bible felt as bland as a rice cake without peanut butter (ok; still mildly bland, but you get the point). Praying felt like talking to thin air. Or a telephone call where no one picks up. I reminded myself over and over and over again that I was unlovable, worthless, and broken. And for a solid 2 months, that is exactly what I became. I fed it to myself. In the morning's haze, as I stared blankly at a wall, cup of coffee in hand. As I navigated the relentless traffic of the freeway. When I went to bed. When I had 1,2,3,4 glasses of wine. Worthless. Unlovable. Broken. Incapable. I was empty, alone, fragile, every last ounce of self esteem drained.
Our culture presents us with such warm, fuzzy, false pieces of hope. "You are more than this!" "You are beautiful just as you are!" "You are worth loving!" We're expected, in our brokenness, to suddenly believe and mask our pain with such words. While affirmations and encouragement can be healing...the truth is this: There ARE parts of us that are broken and unlovable. We are human and we are flawed and things like a nice, raw breakup - I believe - expose our weaknesses and heart's longing for something more than the finite resources of this world. It exposes the broken or "unlovable" parts of us...but those parts can be made whole. I think that when we feel unlovable, what we're really feeling, is the weight of our human nature and imperfections. A breakup is like sprinkling salt to deeper wounds. We need not cling to someone else's words as though we are enslaved to them. However, we should, in these painful moments, pay close attention to our thoughts and who we are becoming, through someone else's words that we keep replaying. So I ask you again: Do you believe that you, shattered heart and all, can become whole again?
2 paragraphs later, and I still do. Even in my mess, even in my mania, even in my utter despair and frustration and apathy that jaded my outlook on reality - I was met right there; in my least attractive, most unsexy, most ugly moments. And so, I dared to allow my clenched hands to be pried open. I realized the girl I had become, and could finally admit that I didn't like it, and that I wanted to change. So I did. When I realized that, even despite the mess I had become, I actually could become whole again? My life began to, yes, radically change.
Because I believed I could become whole, I learned that I didn't have to fake it, pretend I was a badass living the cool life in LA, and mask the pain that pierced so deeply. I could be honest and admit that I was not okay, and I desperately needed my soul to be nurtured.
Because I believed I could become whole, I learned that I equally did not have to wallow in the gory details on repeat. I could choose to move forward.
Because I believed I could become whole, I learned that I didn't have to numb my emotions or run away from them or bathe in their sting. I could feel them, yes, but I could choose to fight them. I could pack my bags and take a 20 hour road trip and submerge myself in community and people who loved me.
Because I believed I could become whole, I learned that asking for help did not make me weak. I was, instead, choosing to rise up to my weakness.
Because God desires wholeness for me, I learned that He welcomes not just the prodigal sons, but also the prodigal daughters. And I could accept the invitation for Him to mend my cut skin and bleeding heart. Even if it hurt. Even if it meant a hit to my ego. Even if it meant giving up what numbed me. Even if it meant doing the things that I thought I didn't need...but my soul was starving for.
And He can take the messy, unlovable parts of you...and make them whole again. To the girl who feels unlovable: You are loved. You are loved and valued and enough so to be made whole again. This version of yourself that feels so cripplingly broken is not permanent. You are capable. You are worth more than the pain you feel. You are more lovable than the words said to you. Your crushed spirit can be healed. You can heal. I believe you can. I really do. If God could create you and breathe life into you...He can stitch together your tattered heart.
To the girl who feels unlovable: You are heard. You are seen. You are known. You are held. Your brokenness is temporary. And you can become whole again.
You are lovable.
Even when he couldn't love you.
Even when he told you that you were not.
Even when the emptiness inside of you makes it feel as though there is no heartbeat in your chest.
Even when it feels so cold, so dark, so lonely.
Even when you remind yourself over and over and over again: "He said it himself...he's not in love with me anymore. I am not loved. I am too much. I am unlovable. I did something that will prevent me from ever being loved again."
You see...
...What we feed our mind, we start to believe, and what we believe...we start to become.
But I want to tell you that the broken pieces of your heart that were once scattered, can indeed become whole again. Do you believe that? Do you really? Because I do. I believe it with all of my heart. Why? Because I realized that I was mistaking my brokenness for being unlovable, damaged goods; and refusing to believe that I could actually become a healthy, whole person again. I tied my identity to my relationship. For 2.5 years, I felt like nothing without it. I clung to it like a scared little girl hiding behind her parent. If I let go, that meant being alone, and the very idea of loneliness was petrifying. I purged ambitions and boundaries, and in trade, made myself believe that I needed my significant in order to feel happy and fulfilled and whole. My relationship became my everything. It consumed me. It filled every piece of my heart's void. And then it ended, and I lost the person who was my happiness, and I lost myself along with it. If you had asked me in October and November and December if I was capable of believing that I - the broken, lonely, Los Angeleno girl swallowed by the city - could feel whole and be whole again...I would not have believed it. Not even for a second. Reading my Bible felt as bland as a rice cake without peanut butter (ok; still mildly bland, but you get the point). Praying felt like talking to thin air. Or a telephone call where no one picks up. I reminded myself over and over and over again that I was unlovable, worthless, and broken. And for a solid 2 months, that is exactly what I became. I fed it to myself. In the morning's haze, as I stared blankly at a wall, cup of coffee in hand. As I navigated the relentless traffic of the freeway. When I went to bed. When I had 1,2,3,4 glasses of wine. Worthless. Unlovable. Broken. Incapable. I was empty, alone, fragile, every last ounce of self esteem drained.
Our culture presents us with such warm, fuzzy, false pieces of hope. "You are more than this!" "You are beautiful just as you are!" "You are worth loving!" We're expected, in our brokenness, to suddenly believe and mask our pain with such words. While affirmations and encouragement can be healing...the truth is this: There ARE parts of us that are broken and unlovable. We are human and we are flawed and things like a nice, raw breakup - I believe - expose our weaknesses and heart's longing for something more than the finite resources of this world. It exposes the broken or "unlovable" parts of us...but those parts can be made whole. I think that when we feel unlovable, what we're really feeling, is the weight of our human nature and imperfections. A breakup is like sprinkling salt to deeper wounds. We need not cling to someone else's words as though we are enslaved to them. However, we should, in these painful moments, pay close attention to our thoughts and who we are becoming, through someone else's words that we keep replaying. So I ask you again: Do you believe that you, shattered heart and all, can become whole again?
2 paragraphs later, and I still do. Even in my mess, even in my mania, even in my utter despair and frustration and apathy that jaded my outlook on reality - I was met right there; in my least attractive, most unsexy, most ugly moments. And so, I dared to allow my clenched hands to be pried open. I realized the girl I had become, and could finally admit that I didn't like it, and that I wanted to change. So I did. When I realized that, even despite the mess I had become, I actually could become whole again? My life began to, yes, radically change.
Because I believed I could become whole, I learned that I didn't have to fake it, pretend I was a badass living the cool life in LA, and mask the pain that pierced so deeply. I could be honest and admit that I was not okay, and I desperately needed my soul to be nurtured.
Because I believed I could become whole, I learned that I equally did not have to wallow in the gory details on repeat. I could choose to move forward.
Because I believed I could become whole, I learned that I didn't have to numb my emotions or run away from them or bathe in their sting. I could feel them, yes, but I could choose to fight them. I could pack my bags and take a 20 hour road trip and submerge myself in community and people who loved me.
Because I believed I could become whole, I learned that asking for help did not make me weak. I was, instead, choosing to rise up to my weakness.
Because God desires wholeness for me, I learned that He welcomes not just the prodigal sons, but also the prodigal daughters. And I could accept the invitation for Him to mend my cut skin and bleeding heart. Even if it hurt. Even if it meant a hit to my ego. Even if it meant giving up what numbed me. Even if it meant doing the things that I thought I didn't need...but my soul was starving for.
And He can take the messy, unlovable parts of you...and make them whole again. To the girl who feels unlovable: You are loved. You are loved and valued and enough so to be made whole again. This version of yourself that feels so cripplingly broken is not permanent. You are capable. You are worth more than the pain you feel. You are more lovable than the words said to you. Your crushed spirit can be healed. You can heal. I believe you can. I really do. If God could create you and breathe life into you...He can stitch together your tattered heart.
To the girl who feels unlovable: You are heard. You are seen. You are known. You are held. Your brokenness is temporary. And you can become whole again.
Bless the Lord, O my soul,
and forget not all his benefits,
who forgives all of your iniquity
who heals all your diseases,
who redeems your life from the pit,
who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy,
who satisfies you with good
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.
Psalm 103:2-5
I love you, you are brave and smart. I know you will be whole. Keep that verse in your mind. Remember Satan is the one that fed you those lies. Just turn those lies around to the truth. You are love able, you are smart, you are strong and God loves you!!
ReplyDeleteHealing...
ReplyDelete