Life Update: Keep Your Chin Up

"Tell me something, girl...

Are you happy in this modern world?"

My new "Self Challenge" is to begin blogging life updates, happenings, and shenanigans, vs. resorting to a quick blurb on Facebook first. There is something fulfilling about actually taking the time to slow down, gather my thoughts, and creating something that isn't just another status swallowed on a social media website. 

Back in Feb., I posted that I was doing a lease takeover at my current LA apartment. I've received a slew of texts and messages asking me just "WHY???" I am leaving Los Angeles and "BUT WHAT ABOUT SULLY?!??" and "WHERE TO NEXT?!?" and so, this post will cover some of that. For starters though, let's jump back two weeks to NoCal. I want to start with the happy go lucky stuff.

When Sully and I flew back to CA after Christmas break, we sat down and wrote out a very, very specific list of things we wanted to see, do, and experience during our time on the golden coast. NoCal was at the top of our radar, and so we roadtripped from the bustle of the city, to the ease of the Creator's palette. Growing up, I grimaced at country living, back roads, and small town life. I preferred the hustle bustle of humanity encased in brick and mortar, and being around people and busyness 24/7. My eyes have been wide opened since moving to LA though. There is something so healing about the quiet and solitude of being out in nature and just having the capacity to think clearly. We visited Auburn and its gold rush roots, San Francisco, Sacramento, and went on many hikes and adventures and runs in the cool of the morning and for the first time in a while, I actually felt like myself again. I laced up my running shoes and filled my lungs with fresh air, warmed my skin with the sunshine,  bought a roll of film for the spiffy little Canon T70 my brother and a fam from my church gifted me before I left for CA, and felt a joy spark again for the things I abandoned and packed away for quite some time.

He is actually the cutest.

We were incredibly blessed to stay with the most welcoming strangers who soon became friends. I posted on Facebook, seeing if there was anyone who knew of anyone who would host us and let us use their shower/crash their couch or floor. A friend from NC - and a native to NoCal - connected us to her aunt and uncle. We were welcomed into the most beautiful home in Auburn, with window light pouring in every room, and serenaded by meadows and blue skies and a sense of calm. For the first time in 2 months, I genuinely felt like a human being again. I slept in a real bed for the first time in 2 months (I've been sleeping on an air mattress in my unfurnished LA room) and got solid rest. I slowed down a lot. Dramatic as it might sound, I felt like I genuinely savored and appreciated and soaked in each morning - getting up to run with Sully as the sun started shining, making copious portions of oatmeal and eggs and bagels, taking 30 minutes to sip on just 1 mug of black coffee, packing our things for the next adventure of the day. And as we drove, there really was no traffic anywhere we went - at least - nothing like LA. It was as easy as getting from point A to point B...even in San Francisco at rush hour. 

I felt a whole new strength both physically and mentally. I felt the burdens of life roll off my shoulders a little while, and found myself really, truly feeling like a happier gal again. Weird as it will sound - even taking a shower was one of my favorite parts; ha! The couple we stayed with would leave the little window open, and unwinding at the end of the day to the fresh air streaming through, and my lanta - a shower probably twice the size of my own and with water pressure that could probably pressure wash a house - was pretty nice.  I told Sully I felt like the prodigal son after he was taken in. 😂 I quite literally felt like I was breathing deeper and better (smog and fumes are a #thang in LA), and going back to SoCal...well...I won't lie: I kinda felt a sense of dread.

Which brings me to sharing the oh so juicy news...

I am leaving Los Angeles.

And I couldn't be more excited, more eager to get outta this place.

At least for now.

AG; y u so blunt tho? 

Honestly, many reasons. I've thought about doing a video of the nitty gritties, or even a Facebook Live Q&A, as it has been widely brought to my attention that people are eager to know if A) I'm breaking up with Sully B) Trashing the place that was my 10 year dream or C) Just checking in on me and poking and prodding because...well...why the heck am I gettin' outta here?! What's the juicy scoop?! The exact "when" is still to be determined, as I am in the midst of the dreaded lease takeover, aka: Person after person coming, 1 out of 3 being interested, said 1 out of 3 having bad credit or not reading that utilities cost craaaaap ton, or not vibing with the place. It strangely reminds me of my first experience being in a jury pool for a homicide case 2 summers ago. 200 people packed in a dingy little courtroom, a number randomly drawn, approx. 45 minutes of interrogation and hearing life stories and all things TMI, hoping and begging and praying internally that this person would fill the dang panel already, high hopes, all is looking well, and out of nowhere, BOOM! They're dismissed. *Insert heart shattering to smithereens*

 In the case of my apartment, just envision my phone exploding with a multitude of prospectives from Craigslist, Fliplease, and anywhere else from the depths of cyber space, 90% being scammers claiming "They from Switzerland," or 3 of them claiming, "My daughter deaf, she live here, email her here please thank you," ("Y ur daughter not able email me tho?"), setting up a walk through with the remaining 10% and "meet the roommates"day, charismatically adding the, "FIRST MONTH OF RENT IS FREE!" ("THERE WILL EVEN BE ICE CREAM AND PARTY HATS!" *confetti*) bonus, meeting said prospectives, and yas - everything LOOKIN' GOOD; LOOKIN' REAL PROMISING - and getting the dreaded, sucker-punch-in-the-gut reply,

"I actually found another place!"

Or  "I'll get back to you soon!" and you being the one to check back in all happy go lucky-esque... 

...Or even worse - being ghosted altogether.

I told Sully I feel like the desperate girl getting friend zoned by the hot guy. It brings me back to my painful 19 year old memory of getting coffee with a beachy, bearded, guitar playing California native who wore skinny jeans, chatting over coffee for 4 hours, and even amidst him smacking the weird sausage jambalaya stuff he was eating and jolting himself upright exclaiming, "I really need to go pee!" - being in high hopes for romantic chemistry to just magically evolve - I followed up to see if he cared to meet up at a greenway nearby. And you know what he said back? Absolutely nothing. *cricket chirp* The guitar playing, jambalaya smacking rascal ghosted me! 

And so it has felt with the dear prospectives coming through. As I sit here, literally replying to 2 more prospectives and getting the days straight that 4 of them will be coming to tour the whopping 100 sq footage...my chronically prospective-zoned self apathetically anticipates every single one to be a, "Yeah thanks; but no thanks," slap-in -the face, no go. 

But anyhoo, let's get down to the REAL important question: WHY? Just why am I, the girl who dreamed and prayed LA into my existence for 12 whopping years, desperate to get the flipping heck out? I mentioned there being a lot of reasons, and several, I feel still need to remain on the low and confidential until a little later. Some are personal, some could maybe interfere with the law (kidding) (ok; not really). However, I will share with you a culmination of them, and answer some of the #trending questions that have submerged my FB inbox and texts.

I've Lost My Sanity

And no, that's not a Tumblr, "I'm an anxious little snowflake who needs a salt bath," kind of statement (though skipping my 45 minute, 12 mile commute in exchange for a salt bath has sounded quite promising at times.). Real talk though: I am a very adaptable little human. When I visit a new place, stay with strangers, begin a new job - it just doesn't really take me long to adapt to the environment of it. When I moved to Orange County and lived with a family I knew from NC, I felt so at home, so quickly. Even when I moved to Glendale - the place famously known for a roommate trying to open my locked door when I was in bed because she found a flake of egg adhered to a spatula - the space felt very homey, very familiar, very comforting (before I was scolded for said spatula other peculiar things). My workforce that freakishly resembles the massage therapy version of "The Office" even started feeling more familiar, and I learned how to work around some dominant personalities. When I moved deeper into the valley after Christmas break, it's like I knew deep down that I wouldn't be staying much longer. "But time!" I said. "Don't jump to conclusions!" I said. "Your intuitive red flags are just you being a little on edge!" I said. But oh, how wrong I was. Again, I started trying to simply work around everything, give the new commute and new apartment and new life happenings time to unfold, just get used to it. 

But you know what I just couldn't get used to?

The ridiculous commutes to go a handful of miles. The sheer exhaustion. Ever been so stressed or bone tired, to the point your eyelids are involuntarily twitching and your hair is breaking off? *raises hand* The frauds who target young women like myself, lure you into their "aura" of perceived kindness, but as you soon find out, have everything but your best interest in mind. They are a wolf in sheep's clothing, out to get things like: Your money. Body. And anything else. I certainly do not believe that any and every individual I encounter is automatically a slimy person, but in my experience with the ones I have encountered? I've found myself saying, "Girl, run for your life," more times than not. I couldn't get used to the stupid expensive cost just to live. Did you know that I'm paying nearly $1000 per month for only an okay-ish apartment that I 1) Share with a couple. 2) Is only a couple miles from the grimacing, pure disgustingness (folks, we're not talking a cig on the street here and there - we're talking literal piles of garbage and HUMANS lining the bridges with shopping carts and tents and literally digging through the garbage for food. It is both jarring, but also incredibly appalling.) of the ghetto and minor tent cities. 3) Literally hurts my lungs and constricts my chest, because there is so much gosh darn traffic and smog and hazardous fumes polluting the air. And that is just where I live. My SUV that could power away on a $20 bill elsewhere, will maybe get halfway filled out here. 

I could never get used to these things. And when life has happened on top of it all - and trust me, a whole lot of "life stuff" has hit the fan pretty bad - it also drained a huge portion of the savings account I took so many years to build. 

But perhaps the biggest factor that binds it all together, is the agonizing loneliness. Loneliness out here is pretty predominant. Growing up, I never understood how people ended up doing life without anybody, because community just came easily to me. Whether it be work, classes, running groups, church, childhood friends, family, I connected with people well, and always had company in some form or fashion. 

Welcome to Los Angeles, the city of lonely hearts. 

I work with all males. And even at the sports massage practice, there really is little interaction with anyone. You greet your client. They get on the table. And it's silence - sometimes for 8 hours, if it's a full day - unless you get a talkative one (which can be super relieving, actually). Meetups can sometimes be impossible. Everyone's schedules can conflict, or when you originally planned to just meet downtown, you totally forgot that it would be rush hour, and take nearly 2 hours. People are way, uber laid back out here and forgetful too. I can't even tell you how many times I've reached out to people, maybe gotten 1 reply, and then the, "Ok, great! When do you want to meet up?!" is ghosted. And so is the follow up. And you're kind of conflicted, because you want human interaction and people to do life with, but you also don't want to seem needy. The few people I met and actually had super high hopes for, turned out to be: Scammers wanting you to join their MLM (ask me about that sometime;)). Liars. Or simply flood my inbox with, "Hi Anna. Are you free?" "Yes! When and what time?" and to quite literally never respond. And then repeat the same. dang. thing. starting with, "Hi Anna." *head* *desk* 

I've even thought about buying friends - joining a gym, signing up for swing dancing lessons, doing my long runs with a running group - but quickly realizing my current budget (In case you didn't know, starving aspiring Los Angelenos spend 99% of their money on rent, insurance, gas, and maybe a box of granola bars;)) is not a fan of buying friends. On my days off, I find myself running away from my living space, just to get away from its soul sucking reality. Often times, I will park myself at a coffee shop, and when I'm done with that, I'll wander aimlessly, or even park my car and take a nap in it. I'm surrounded by human beings all day every day, everywhere I go, and yet - no one knows me. I've learned you can, indeed, know of someone, but still not know them. I'll turn on the radio to drown out the quiet, and sometimes, K-LOVE is quite literally the only "positivity" I've heard all day. I found myself sinking into an awful depression, purely from the lack of human contact. Sometimes, I honestly felt like I was going crazy. If I had to walk into a dark, empty apartment one more time having no company but my own thoughts, or make one more commute with good 'ole K-LOVE being the only source of comfort....I would go mad. Here me out: People. Need. People. 

I resonate with that Tenth Avenue North song, "Worn". If I'm being honest: I am worn slap out. I don't care what the sarcastic humans who have "made it" say about life not always being fun and games and welcoming me to the "world of an adult" - no one, and I repeat - absolutely no one, should have to rationalize the pain, struggle, or loneliness harbored within. [Sidenote: Things really do come about at interesting times, because as I began drafting this post, I was contacted by a dear friend who has helped me through many seasons of life, Kristin Wall, founder of Delight & Be, and newly #only7seconds. I resonate with its "WHY" so deeply, and I want any person reading this to click over, and go and send someone a message - even just checking in on them. Even when others look like they are fine, you have no idea what they might be dealing with. Think of the happiest person you know. Now, ask them how they are doing.] 

Where Are You Going Next?

The timing with everything - from my decision to leave, to the process of doing a lease takeover - has done nothing but clarify my decision. This is currently the million dollar, golden question. There were a few opportunities I was praying about pursuing out here in CA...little did I know...some of those opportunities unfolded, but simply in new locations. I am not going in depth on this one, but honest to goodness, purely because each of them are still in the works.

In a nutshell, I could live: On an island. East Coast. Southwest. Deep West. 

But for now, things unfold. ;)

Wasn't This Your Dream Though? 

100%. Something I have realized though - and I think is super, super important - is that even dreams and ambitions can 1) Simply be a season 2) Not be what you expected them to be.

I am a firm believer that many seasons are meant to be endured, despite the nitty grit of life happening. However, I also believe that those seasons can be used to further direct you to something else. Before Sully and I even roadtripped out here, I told him, "You know...what if this lifelong dream of mine to make it out to CA was really to get you out here to TMU?" I came out here eager to see how God might use me. I didn't expect to move mountains or become a "somebody", but I did believe that He would direct me to people (or vice versa) and opportunities and I would have some angelic "EUREKA!" of my life's truest calling. In an interesting kind of way, I came out with a, "What's in it for me?" mindset. Rather, I think it's been all about, "What is in this for others?" Sometimes we are meant to be fed, other times, we are meant to feed others. I feel a bit like a kid who has been bullied on the playground at times, as LA truly is rough around the edges. But I also do believe that somehow, I am being refined in character through much of it. I think, perhaps, it is sharpening me for something else in life. That "something" I am just not quite sure of yet. 

I feel no shame in this decision. I do not feel like I have failed anyone, and I do not feel like I am missing out. I do not feel like I am doing something unholy that is preventing me from fulfilling God's deepest desires for me. I do not feel like I am trashing my dream. If anything, I have learned (and confirmed by a dear friend of mine in NC) that you do not necessarily have to look to a PLACE or a PERSON in order to fulfill your ambitions. Sometimes we think that is the case, but often? I think we decide something is reality before even trying it out for ourselves and creating the beginnings of it. I am not even opposed to moving back here, if it was where Sully and I were led someday - or even while he's still in school! I need time away from it all though - from the chaos, the people - simply to breathe. Reset. Introduce myself to some of the opportunities that could be unfolding. It's a process. My life looks absolutely nothing like I thought it would, with its twists and turns and let downs and bumps and bruises and successes and failures and moments of chaos and moments of peace...but I am learning to be okay with it, and to press into the suckiness, knowing that through it, I am being refined.

What About SULLY?! 

To set the stage: No, we are not breaking up, and no I am not "ditching" my main squeeze. I am genuinely blessed to be in a relationship where we discuss things, ask the other's opinion, and truly have mutual respect for one another. Since I even began thinking about it (which was back in November, actually), I've kept him a part of my thought process, happenings that make me want to flee, and sought his opinion on it all. I also am very grateful to be in a relationship with a guy who, from the depths of his soul, supports me and encourages me and wants me to try new things and accept an adventure or season of life when it comes my way. My sole purpose in life isn't to be some free spirited gypsy forever jumping from Point A to Point B and never settling down - in fact, I dream of the day we can call a place "home", while still experiencing the beauty and diversity of the world. However, I am currently unmarried, living on my own, and there are opportunities that I genuinely would love to expand my horizons on, versus forcing myself to live in LA in the name of, "Well, it was my 12 year dream, so I HAVE to stay here at LEAST 12 months!" Who is to say that my time here has to be that long? I originally thought so too, but 8 months in, and I've realized that it really, truly isn't for me. If I were making 6 figures or miraculously struck rich via heritage or being a female Robert Tiyosaki, could live in even just a 1 bedroom/1 bath space solo in oh - Westwood? Santa Monica? - I think my experience here would be a whole heck of a lot different. But if you read everything above, then you have a much clearer picture as to WHY I want out - at least for a season of time! I am still head over heels in love with that guy named Sully, and we both are very confident in our relationship and the strength of it, that distance for a bit of time - though yes, I am sure it will feel painful - will certainly not destroy us or tear us a part. He actually fully supports me in prayerfully considering the other opportunities, and has been one of my primary encouragers in taking a break from the city. ;) 

So, there you have it. Where I'll end up next, well...time will tell. I could even be a Los Angeleno again after a few months. Who knows! But for now, things unfold.